In the not-so-recent past I had a day out on the town with my loving sister, E. The plan was to go shopping at consignment stores in the nearby ritzy suburban oasis with a large outdoor shopping district.
We started the day by following this plan – but things quickly came off the rails.
We DID visit the consigment stores – and some others – and immediately collected armloads of loot to try on in the dressing rooms.
Hilarity ensued. Things we learned:
1 – NEITHER of us are a Size 0.
(The dress *looked* like it would fit E – who weighs about 15 pounds due to her cardio “addiction”. Granted, she looked like some sort of cheerleader porn princess in it – and it took us both a lot of work to get it off of her. We were really lucky we didn’t have to cut the thing off – considering it was $80. While pictures were attempted they really weren’t appropriate for public viewing – by anyone – and I was laughing too hard to hold the camara steady.)
2 – Any dress that is both shiny and gold is fun to try on. Bonus points if it’s made from spandex.
(When the “outfit” is so bad it makes you laugh so hard you nearly lose control of your bladder AND cry and the same time it was most certainly worth the time it took to wiggle into it.)
3 – Small dressing rooms are more fun.
Trying on crazy clothes is just better when two people are crammed into the same tiny, curtained dressing room. (Yes, curtained AND small. I’m confident my granny-pantied booty was sticking out for the world to see at one point. I felt a breeze.) The added bonus is that you don’t have to open a door for OTHER people to see your shame when the dress that on the hanger looks like something a society lady would wear to a luncheon makes you look like a sausage/ street walker/ tranny.
4 – Neiman Marcus was not made for the likes of The Crazy Suburbanite.
(Prolific profanity was used. We got the stink eye from more than one sales clerk – either from excessivly fondling the clothes or perhaps from the potty mouths. I saw an Alexander McQueen clutch that included the likes of a pimp ring as the handle. I even loudly blurted out “Oh. My. God. That purse has a PIMP RING AS A HANDLE!!!” right before a girl dressed in an outfit that cost far more
than it was worth than a monthly mortgage payment walked by. I mentioned that she was trying too hard a little loud – since originally I though I had only said that IN MY HEAD – and E thought I said something about her having a pimp… We also tried on all the shoes in the “discount” sale section acting all the while like we would consider paying $700+ for pair of shoes. There was much giggling and commenting on how tall we were in said shoes. Look at me! I’m so tall!)
5 – The architect and interior designer for Neiman Marcus are crazy awesome.
Who knew that 70’s syle art glass would be back in vogue and ready to rock the entire facade of a building? Oh, that would be these awesome people. Sharp angles, bright white, contrasting yellow: Oh. My.
6 – When the kid taking your coffee order gives you a blank stare that does NOT mean he wants to hear about your day.
(Yes, this was us. Apparently we’re old and need hot, delicious coffee at 5pm on an afternoon of “shopping” in 80+ degree heat. We thought we were being splendidly witty in our banter with the barrista. Seems that was only in our heads. The blank stare was because he didn’t care. NOTED.)
6. E can justify me buying anything.
Case in point: The $175 shoes, clearly used and from a consignment store. I’m only trying them on because, “Um, they’re MANOLO’S AND purple AND they feel like butter.” I’m only trying them on so I can say I have. This is our conversation:
CS: Wow. These are high. Cute – and MANOLO’S – but I don’t think I can walk in them.
E: Sure you can – and they’re ONLY $175. You should totally buy them.
CS: The dress I need shoes for only cost $30.
E: You’re saving SO MUCH MONEY! How much do new ones cost?
CS: Nope. Too high. And, I’d like to EAT on my vacation.
E: They’re PURPLE!!!!!!
(I did not buy the shoes.)
7 – Bundt cake is delicious – especially if it’s free because they cut the samples in giant pieces.
(We checked for a shift change to get more – because we have SOME shame – but were thwarted.)
Overall, a fun day with minimal damage to the pocketbook. I ended up with no clothes from the consigment stores – because apparently I enjoy trying on party dresses – and I have no use in real life for this type of clothing. But, I did buy some shirts and a purse at Ross. E had a similar type of haul. Win for us!
Sister time is the best.